Elmo was a varsity baseball player. He had a curveball like you wouldn’t believe. The kid had good stuff, and make no mistake. He was offered scholarships from the University of Florida and Ohio State. I think the choice was obvious, considering he had red fur.
At the Ohio State University, Elmo had a pretty good time. As an athlete, he didn’t have to go to many classes, which was good, because in speech class, he was often docked points off of his tests because of his ridiculously high voice. He also got a lot of attention from the ladies, not that Elmo would have considered taking advantage of a young woman with her head in the clouds. He had learned about being an honorable man a long time ago, from Maria, who I have to point out was Hispanic, because seriously, every time anyone talks about Maria from Sesame Street, they feel the need to point out that she was Hispanic. The circle continues.
One day, Elmo was hanging out with Grover, his buddy from high school, and he decided to smoke some weed with him. Elmo knew that it was a terrible idea, and that he could possibly lose his scholarship if he pissed hot on a drug test, but he was going through some weird stuff with his parents (a redheaded man and some kind of strange monkey). And, as we suspected, Elmo lost his scholarship.
Elmo was pretty depressed. Grover tried to cheer him up by practicing saying the alphabet and stuff, but nothing was helping. He decided to talk to his buddy The Count. When he got to his castle, he tried to begin a conversation.
“Hey, Count, how’s it going?”
“Four coconuts! One, two, three, four coconuts!” yelled the Count.
“Uh, yeah, that’s true, there are four coconuts sitting on that table there. But, hey, I have some serious issues I’d like to discuss with you…” said Elmo.
“Seven jars of peanut butter! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven jars of peanut butter!”
“Are you like, OCD or something? Fuck.”
Elmo left the castle. He was wandering the streets, trying to figure out how he could pay for college. He rested on a bench. A man in a uniform approached him. He seemed legit, not like the usual guys Elmo met on benches in the middle of the night. The man was a recruiter from the Navy ROTC program from Ohio State. They talked things out, and the next thing he knew, Elmo had a scholarship in the Navy, and had all of his schooling paid for.
Four years later, Elmo was one of the most prominent intelligence analysts in the military. His work led to the successful interrogation of over 200 terrorists. He didn’t question his orders, he was simply good at what he did.
One day, however, during a random barracks inspection, a weird, blue-furred, soldier that claimed he was “only looking for cookies” found some incriminating, overtly homosexual mail correspondence in Elmo’s CHU (containerized housing unit, because the military makes everything stupid), and he was given a court martial and subsequently kicked out of the military.
It was a pretty controversial trial. Elmo’s staff was called in to testify. One very tall soldier with yellow feathers and a large beak was the first one called in for questioning.
“Yeah, he was a great leader. He came to work on time, he did what his superiors told him to do, he would work extra hours to accomplish the mission… Man, it was pretty inspiring,” claimed the large bird.
Another sailor in Elmo’s unit was called forward.
“Yeah, man, I thought he was a pretty good officer, I looked up to him and he did everything that his job required, but now that I know he’s gay, my prejudices and stereotypes won’t allow me to work with him, basically because I’m an idiot. I think everyone should cater to my inability to identify with people who have different beliefs or sexual orientation from me.”
“Yeah, that makes sense,” said the military tribunal. Elmo was kicked out of the Navy, and had to become a grocery bagger. Because they were kicking out gay guys, the military had to lower their recruiting standards substantially, including letting people with criminal records and mentally-unstable medical records in.
What a stupid fucking system. Oh yeah, the second soldier to testify was Glen fucking Beck.
~Written by Stranford Beckett
