Vlad hid under the small shelter of the 1 foot hangover of the roof protecting his parents garage door. He was in a suit with his long hair slicked back. He hadn’t dressed like this since prom. He actually was wearing the same clothes he wore to prom, his grandmother’s sudden death hadn’t given him time to get something new for the funeral and wake which he was currently in the process of avoiding. He lifted the garage door and flipped on the lights. He hadn’t been in the garage since the 8 years he had spent in the special forces. It hadn’t changed much. He went to the corner and ripped off the tarp that was covering his most ingenious invention. His 1973 Triumph motorcycle that he had converted into a Kawasaki crotch rocket. Vlad was an inventor and an adrenaline junkie. The triumph he bought wasn’t douchebaggy enough so he retro fitted it to be a crotch rocket, with one unique addition. Instead of using a key, all Vlad had to do was to slip his member into a very average size slot in the bike. The bike would read his wiener DNA and only allow people who closely matched his DNA to operate the motor bike. Vlad sniffed his bike and smelled something funny. He puzzled over it, he couldn’t understand why his bike smelled like Tuna mixed with spicy mustard. His Uncle Murray had seen Vlad leaving the stagnant house where everyone else was and followed him out to the garage. His Uncle Murray was called uncle Murray even though his name was Jack because he drank so much Jack he had once famously told the cops his name was Murray. “Hey there Vlad. It’s good to see you, we all have missed you. Sorry about Nana.”
“It’s okay, she was old.”
“Well I know you guys were close. What’ve you got there?”
“This is my crotch rocket.”
“Is it still running?”
“I think so, it kind of looks like someone has been riding it. It has a dent on the front fender.”
Uncle Murray continued shooting the shit over the bike when some of Vlad’s cousins came in. Some of his aunts followed, looking for their children, and eventually most of the family and friends were outside in the garage. Vlad felt honored to have the stage, and everyone was happy to hear something other then condolences. Eventually Vlad’s distraught mother wondered in, seeing where all her guests had gone. She was very upset.
“Vlad! How could you show this monstrous thing off to the family feet away from where your dead grandmother is sitting on ice! I can’t believe you are all out here, marveling over the machine that killed your grandmother!”
Everyone seemed confused. They had all been told the grandmother had died of natural causes. The mother felt the need to explain.
“That’s right! Nana was out joyriding and she wrecked into a catering bus! You should all be ashamed!”
Now this further confused the whole family. Vlad had described several times that you had to stick a weenie in the bike to make it operate. Vlad instantly threw up and began crying. The mother’s rage subsided and she felt the need to console her estranged son.
“I’m very sorry you had to hear it this way, Vlad. I’m very sorry to all of you. But it’s true, Nana had a ding dong.”
Vlad barfed another round and gasping for air he cried, “I knew Nana had a dick!”
His mother touched his cheek. “What are you so upset about then?” Vlad barfed again before answering,
“Because now I know what that smell is!”
