Word on the Street

It was a sunny 72 degrees and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky on an early Monday morning.  A young man with a dream in his heart and a clipboard in his hand knocked on the door of Hooper’s Store. Normally the young man would walk right in to the friendly hometown store, but it was early and the store wasn’t open yet. The store owner was stocking bird seed when he heard the knock. He opened the door with a smile.

“Hey Ernie, what can I do for you today? We got some new flavors of Now and Later in, don’t eat them if you have fillings. Believe me.” He opened his mouth to show a mouth full of teeth missing their caps.

“No thanks, Alan. I’m here to ask for your help today.”

“I love helping, what can I do for you?”

“Well as you know Muppets aren’t allowed to get married in this county. I’m starting a petition to change that. I feel like Muppets should have the same rights as anyone else.”

“Ernie, I’m proud of you. That’s a great idea! Sure I’ll sign. I’ll even leave one here in the store and ask anyone who comes in to sign it.”

“Thanks, Alan. I really appreciate it.”

“No, thank you, Ernie. I think you are helping to restore dignity to this old street. Good luck.”

“Thanks again, Alan.”

Ernie looked down at his first three signatures as he continued down the street. Alan had the good idea of signing two other names as well. He said he got the idea from an Acorn. Ernie would have to ask later how an Acorn could know so much. He stopped at the trailer park and knocked on Snuffy’s door. For some reason, the outside smelled like someone had tried to cover up a burnt grease smell with Lysol. Snuffy was inside sorting some kind of salt on a mirror with his trunk.

“Hi Snuffy, what are you up to?”

“Just getting to normal,” he moaned as he sniffed the powder off the mirror. “What can I do for you?”

“I’m asking people to sign a petition so Muppets can get married. I’d really like your signature.”

“Sure. Here put a pen in my nose.”

Ernie did and Snuffy signed. Ernie thought he he might have put the pen in too hard because a few drops of blood dripped on the sheet.

“Gosh, I’m sorry Snuffy.”

“No. No. That’s not from….don’t worry about that. Before you leave, can you put that spoon on the table and put that lighter in my trunk.”

Ernie kept walking. Everyone on the street was really excited and everyone signed. Everyone but Bert. Ernie wanted to surprise him at home with it. He tried to open the door to their apartment but the chain was locked. Bert had to come let him in. He looked frazzled.

“Bert I have a big surprise for you. Everyone signed this petition saying Muppets should be able to get married!”

Bert looked at the clipboard. He didn’t seem excited.

“Ernie, don’t you think you should have discussed this with me first?”

“I thought you would be excited!”

“This is pretty much a proposal, Ernie. Fuck man. You should have told me.”

“What’s gotten into you?”

Just then Glen Beck came out of the bedroom. He was naked except for a big gold watch around his wrist.

“I did.”

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